Under-‘mining’ Modesty

I am a socially active person giving due coverage to my children on social sites, sharing my views on growth, development, and many more. Most importantly, I seek these sites when stuck with my mothering skills. I have some good friends who are not on social media and gather all their strength in a simple, traditional and harmonious way.  So, I can see that we all are a good mixture of parents and caretakers trying our best in our practices. Having observed this generation of kids across various countries, ‘principles’ are now considered baggage as a holistic approach.  And the disciplinarians are outnumbered by those who believe only in success and achievements, undermining the role that principles and behaviour play in raising emotional intelligence in children.

         Modesty, manners, and respect sound so dated, almost pejorative. These days I also have the privilege to hear that the qualities mentioned above actually act as confident hindrances in children. Self-admiration is paving ways to self-gratification.  Kids who can brag are allowed to demean other kids. Parents find their “own”  kids’ achievements satisfactory, and discipline is a forgotten word. “I am proud of you”- an everyday dialogue of most households as soon as their children fare well in anything they participate. So, can we not be proud of our children for just being themselves? If they lose in any competition, are we still not proud of them? Of course, by no means do I imply not to appreciate the achievements. We should be ‘proud of’ the kid’s act but not be proud of the kids because he or she has been an achiever- golden parenting rule, I read a while ago. Parents these days are self-indulged in boosting confidence in their kids using “You are the best,” totally ignoring the surrounding kids of the same age. My children, who don’t receive such praise, are not bothered. But my conscience says they might hate my parenting when they constantly face this bombardment by other pubic displays of flattery.

          Having vented it all out, I am blessed to be guided by many friends who follow these dated principles as a rule of thumb sans fail! There are many more friends for who discipline and good manners come second to none. In the early ’80s, over the summer holidays, my dad taught the  Sanskrit verse of the same to me, my sister, along with all my cousins,   “Vidya dadhathi vinayam“- Knowledge and education bless us with humility and being grounded.  Luckily, I fondly enjoy meeting families with similar foundations, nurturing children well, and caring for other children around. We can prosper well as a generation only when we care about the society around us. Alone, we cannot. Prosper and let prosper!

            My only worry is that children are under constant pressure & push to win everything, and anything but a lacuna is left facing failure. Winning and losing are part and parcel of a balanced life, and sooner or later, everyone will have to face reality. Are we not breeding an emotionally weak generation? Yes, it looks rosy to share our children’s successful life on our social sites, and happiness doubles when shared, but it shouldn’t be because we are ‘proud of ‘ them only because of their successes.

            Why is it in this part of the world, a cultural hub of so many countries, kids are not taught to use their Ps and Ts? A polite Please and a Thank you carry as much importance as an “Apology” when you have to! Why are many kids given an extraordinary academic push but no guidance on their upbeat personality? This nurturing will mold them to cope with various ups and downs in their lives, while we may not be around to fill them in a constant shower of praises!

Positive Digital Parenting

    Video/online games carry many negative connotations amongst parents, in general. Is that always true? If yes, why is it the most worrying thing on parents’ minds, and yet, every household has them? Aren’t these digital phenomena strengthening otherwise bored children’s cognitive and emotional abilities? The “Leapfrog,” “Digital storytelling” books, Minecraft, Super Mario – are they keeping children occupied and complementing the parenting role, or are they compounding to the busy schedules of parental lives? The worry lies in “excessive” usage or taking aid from these e-devices, spending their entire active time seeking refuge in this digital world. It is not just the addiction but the comfort these games provide, making kids binge on games and videos that are perturbing. These extreme cases depict a lack of required parental control & family time.

             The underlying causations focus towards “observational learning” in kids & “protecting the self,” & the way parents are struggling between the mysterious yet straightforward “operant conditioning” methods. Peer pressure, marketing strategies, parents’ affluence, and changing lifestyles create this long divide between positive parenting and positive reinforcement. This leads to the causal ramifications: good & evil and might be raising shy, angry, anxious, and incompetent kids.

            It’s incredible to see how fast kids learn and adapt to specific video games like Minecraft™, Terraria™, Stickman™, etc. The visual-motor areas light up in their brains, with the sympathetic nervous systems kicking in even at bedtime. These games take them to an imaginary world to defeat monsters / hidden villains. These devices and games make their entry into family rooms to mark these kids’ successes, be more up-to-date with technology, and be more hands-on with the latest trends. Slowly, they take over the control, control kids’ minds, and control parenting. With these devices taking control, not in the authoritative parenting style but other styles,  parents enjoy getting the desired break, helping them get on with their chores, spending their waiting times in long queues, shopping times, all to go smooth. So, parents get to pursue their interests and help them plan their time the way they intend to. Playing video games and spending time on tabs is necessary in these modern times, but making these a substitute for parental care and concern doesn’t produce positive results in the long run. Effective time management and wise coordination between parents/carers and children are vital. It should not let the parent-child bonding slip from positive reinforcement to upsetting family relations bringing in “punishments” or “response costs.”

         The secure attachment in a parent-child relationship, which was supposed to raise socially competent, positive & confident kids, is somewhere being disturbed in between. Here, strangers are getting closer, and parents are being pushed to a distance. The scenario should be that kids should get back to the parent when there is a stranger, but this cycle is disappearing; when these devices are taken away, kids show anger and anxiety. Again, parents must regain their space in their children’s minds and hearts. So, perhaps these strangers might be allowed for a predetermined time! These games and devices’ time should be earned as part of doing their assignments or over their leisure time. Kids should have agreeable terms on their e-times. Parents should give their children a clear idea about these privileges, and children must appreciate this approval of their freedom and time.

       Children should be well-informed about the moderate usage of e-devices. They need the social skills which could develop over the social gatherings minus these devices. Their innocent minds should not be under the control of “hidden” billion-dollar video game makers/markets. Yet their widgets enhance creativity and expose their imaginary world of possibilities bringing the best in them. Their positivities are underrated due to excessive usage because they dominate parents’ ability to control and direct their children’s brains. So, parenting must be positive and wise, mixed with appropriate control and increased support, just the authoritative way- creating a positive parent-child relationship!

Styles of parenting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Journey of education from fighting illiteracy to a business!

Being born in a family of educators, my sister and I grew up with an awe-inspiring experience of learning every word of the
Archarya devo bhava (Sanskrit for may teacher be your God) and
(Mathru) pithrau devo bhava“, translating to, parents be your God.

I belong to a small town, Vizianagaram, where most schools and colleges were established and supported by the local kings: Gajapathis. Also, our town had had a concept of feeding the financially struggling students (typically attending a university), both local and non-local, to pursue their education. These students approach the halls of residences patronised by royalty or the student’s lecturers or any generous people who can afford a meal to these students. The way it’s done is unique and inspirational. Warm hearts who could feed a student or more can fix on one day of the week, say, Mondays; lunch and dinner at this fixed house, elsewhere on Tuesdays, and so on. In my language, Telugu, it is called “Varalabbay”- Varam- any particular day of the week and ‘Abbay–boy! I had seen only boys practising this; maybe, only boys were allowed to study in such challenging situations – patriarchal society. I still remember such students coming to my house, Mondays & Thursdays. By the time they finished their courses and found a meaningful livelihood, my mother, more than my dad or their parents,  was the first one with whom they shared their happiness! Feeding the hunger is the kindest deed one can observe. Wonderful memories those were. All this was before the demand vs. supply of the education and government interference was minimal.

By the mid-’80s, the capitalist approach had slowly entered the education sector, which paved the way for the growth of many private schools and colleges. Who can afford what was the hidden motto, worth had taken a second place. At the age of two, the first school I attended was run by our family friends, and my mum was a teacher there. For our high-school studies, my dad sent my sister and I to our times’ top Christian missionary school. And we were a handful of children in our area to get such privileged private education. I remember almost every teacher of mine to date, and I  learnt something from every one of them and had been many of their favourites. My teachers have inspired me, instilled discipline and principles along with knowledge. Many of my high-school teachers, my undergrad lecturers are ones I owe a lot to. I was also my undergrad college topper. Education was totally a changed scenario by then. It’s grown into a major business sector. Globalisation, awareness, affordability, everything stirred up, and private schools, colleges, universities mushroomed. So much so that every street has an education institute. Quantity over quality and the most dominant factor, caste-based reservations, rule the Indian education system. The zeal in students may or may not be appreciated. The teaching profession, mostly, is seen as a means of livelihood, and education is precipitated into getting a paper called a degree. By the time I started my masters, I must say, there was a perceivable digression from education as a pursuit & sharing of knowledge in both the parties, students and lecturers. On my part, that was the major regret in life. I must stress there are still those who teach with a passion for knowledge and mold a student’s life for the better. I bow to those, only those. Moving to England, it was fascinating to see a deviation from the hierarchical structure. Yet, I  learnt a lot from my managers and colleagues. But I have started learning more as a mother of two kids. It was enlightening to see not all the students in one class read the same books at school levels. They are placed in one class, only based on their age. Based on their abilities, they follow different levels. That was really a way forward. I remember giving quarterly, half-yearly, year-end exams, and monthly tests that included assignment and unit tests throughout my schooling.  In the UK, my son’s first exam was when he was 7 and it was an observational test, not even letting the student know they were being tested. So, there were no external pressures,  nor did the student “prepare” for the test. At that age, it was based on what you are just as every day!:

Having moved to the US, the highly competitive school my kids go to bring the zeal out of my very relaxed son and made him nervous at the same time. This system has tests, competitions, tournaments on whatever one can name. Is that necessary? Well, it comes with its repercussions, both positive and not so. Leaving all these competitions aside, schooling by itself is another beautiful system. Students attempt mandatory tests at around the age of nine. Many of the teachers have decades of experience. I believe the local people should teach children at a young age to understand how that country works—getting deviated again. Coming to my original topic, teachers lay a solid foundation for any child’s life. When parents find it hard to manage their kids inside four walls over a week’s break, imagine the tenacity teachers possess having to deal with them throughout the year and build a strong foundation. I am on a book, “living at the source,” by Swamy Vivekananda, based on his speeches during his trip to the US. He says every race has something positive to give to society. Yes, a valid point. But one should not regress from a well-working system to one that’s outdated and possibly unrefined! Many children are brain dead by the time they finish their universities. Life is supposed to start from there, not end there. Trust teachers, trust our children. They have their views towards their aims, ambitions. It’s their world. The future belongs to them. Let them flourish. Let them be thankful for what we, as parents, have done. Not make their escape from us. With a few exceptions, teachers know their role. There is abundant sunlight out there. It depends on how much you, yourself, let it in. How much, as parents, we make our children self-sufficient in discovering it themselves. As said, Knowledge is power. The essence of childhood is not treasured in competitions and measured in scores.